The importance of self-love in entrepreneurship
What are the negative beliefs you have that stop you from being you?
Hi, it’s Melissa, and welcome to “your founder next door”, a bi-weekly column with relatable stories of my journey bootstrapping eWebinar to $5m ARR. No BS, just straight-up truth bombs on what it’s like to build a company without an abundance of resources or friends in high places.
The Big Aha! 💡
This is the story of how I finally came to understand the meaning of self-love and how normalizing negative self-talk impacted the way I was (not) showing up for my startup when the need for growth has never been more important.
Backstory 👩🏫
Consistency has never been a problem for me. In fact, the ability to do mundane tasks every day without feeling like doing them was my superpower. That all changed about a year ago.
I found myself doing the things that I was supposed to do, but seeing very little return on efforts spent. I was spending over 10 hours a week writing content with only 10% of the engagement I used to get. The double digit MoM growth we saw in the early days was a thing of the past; everything seemed much harder. It was 5 years since we founded eWebinar and finally, our burn was less than revenue and I no longer felt the desperation to get creative. The stuff that used to get me excited was no longer fun.
I gave myself permission to slow down so I could return to the business in full force when I felt ready again…but that day never came.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t introduce routine back into my life and manufacture the motivation I once had. Since work has always been such a core part of my identity and where I derived my sense of success and purpose, my lack of confidence and joy was bleeding into every other aspect of my life: my relationship, my friendships, my everyday life. Everything felt stagnant and I no longer felt strong.
A few weeks ago, I was confiding in a friend, telling her how stuck I felt and how I didn’t know how to get out of this state. I didn’t know what the problem was I needed to solve.
“You need to go to Hoffman," she said. She told me my story sounded familiar to hers, and going to Hoffman Process a few years back was the best thing she did for herself. Given she was an entrepreneur I respected, I registered for it two days later without much research. 💪
I was desperate for a shake up and I knew that in order to get significantly different results, I needed to do something significantly different. I was slowly killing my company by not being fully present and bringing my A-game when I knew I needed to – as we know, the death of a startup is slow growth, since that is what its valuation is based on. I was not going to work this hard for this many years to lose revenue multiples in the end because of procrastination.
What happened next was the most profound and impactful self-growth experience I’ve ever had. It was an intense week of learning things about myself I wasn’t attuned to, gaining clarity into the driving forces behind my behaviors, and breakthroughs as to how new decisions can be made moving forward if I want to feel joy, gratefulness, and success.
What is the Hoffman Process? 🔍
Without sharing too much, especially for those who want to enter their own Process, I would summarize it as a process to help you understand where your patterns (negative behaviors) come from by tracing them back to your childhood.
Through that awareness, comes choice. Through choice, comes change.
To learn more, see their website or call their office: https://www.hoffmaninstitute.org/the-process
It’s a week-long self-development retreat with locations internationally, see locations here. By the way, it’s digital free! The days are long, so you probably won’t miss your phone. It’s designed such that you get to be in stillness with your thoughts, which is necessary for the process to take root.
How this relates to building companies 👷
I was also dubious. But, after I registered for Hoffman, I discovered out that more and more founders, high achievers who I look up to told me they also went through the program. The universal advice I got was to dive in, don’t question it, and trust the process as it was the catalyst for major change in their lives. That got me curious and excited for my journey.
I gathered from those I spoke with (without many details shared, fight-club-style), that Hoffman wasn’t about “fixing problems”, it was about upleveling and unlocking potential.
Within the first hour there, the intention behind the Process clicked for me. I knew then that it would be the most significant thing I’d ever done. There was something in me that didn’t want to be where I was (in life, for work, for my people), and I was there to figure out why.
How does understanding yourself relate to entrepreneurship and building companies? 🤔
Because we cannot compartmentalize. How we do anything is how we do everything - this is one of my favorite quotes.
How could I do anything well when I wasn’t feeling good about myself? I wasn’t just not showing up for my company, I wasn’t showing up FOR ME. I was floating through life wishing for things to be better while accepting mediocrity, justifying my lack of enthusiasm by telling myself, “my life is already pretty good”. That’s not the way I want to live, and it’s certainly not how I will inspire my team.
On airplanes, they teach you to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping someone else. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.
My most shocking discovery and the reason I couldn’t get my sh*t together 🤯
My most shocking discovery and biggest learning from Hoffman was that I carry a deep sense of unworthiness that has formed the foundation of most of my patterns. I would’ve never consciously realized this without help, nor would I have said yes if someone were to ask me, “Do you feel unworthy?”
I love my life, everything is great, why would I feel unworthy?
Truth is, I grew up in a home where there was a lot of favoritism towards my older brother. No matter what I did, I was never enough, and never as good as him. My mother was always comparing me to other children, “Why can’t you be sweet and obedient like xyz’s daughter?” I remembered how much I used to try and get attention from my mother, but she never gave me the validation I sought. This continued into my teenage years and I normalized it out of survival needs.
How could I possibly have developed a sense of self-worth if I was repeatedly told that I was not good enough and that I should be different?
I came to realize that my sense of unworthiness led to my ultimate procrastination in the last year.
This was my thought process: 🧠
My belief: My company isn’t growing. I’m not good enough compared to other founders.
> I think to myself, I suck!
> I feel inadequate and stupid.
> I sulk in my own misery.
> I think everyone else knows more than me because their company is growing.
> I feel frustrated.
> I procrastinate and self destruct. “If I don't do anything and my company doesn’t grow, then it’s not me. I just haven’t done anything yet.”
My current startup, eWebinar, has grown to be bigger than anything else I’ve built. With AI changing the landscape of search and how we get discovered, a lot of things that used to work for us no longer do. For the first time in a long time, I have no idea what to do and feel like I’m out of tricks. For someone who has always known where she was headed, this is a scary place to be.
Meanwhile, I’m looking at other founders around me who seemingly know what they’re doing, and that triggered a response that led to my procrastination and loss of inspiration in the last year until I just stopped wanting to show up.
But it all started with one belief: I’m not good enough to do this.
The importance of self-love in entrepreneurship 💜
I’m sure you’ve heard people say, “You need to love yourself.” I’ve asked many people what that meant, but nobody has ever been able to explain it to me in a way I understood. Prior to Hoffman, I would’ve thought that I loved myself. I don’t hate myself, so I must love myself, right?
But someone with self-love wouldn’t be riddled with negative self talk. That little voice in my head saying:
You are not enough.
You can’t figure it out.
You need to try harder.
You’re not smart enough.
You’re not capable enough.
You’re not successful enough.
You are not deserving of more.
Everyone else is better than you.
You’re going to fu*k it up for everyone else.
The list goes on…
Sound familiar?
For founders, self-love is especially important because it is our responsibility to steer the ship. We sell a vision for others to follow and if we stop believing in ourselves, if we don’t embody strength and confidence, then everything fades away… our energy, our conviction, our leadership.
How can we be the best version of ourselves for everyone else and our startup if we’re constantly telling ourselves that we can’t do this, and that we’re not deserving of success?
What it means to love yourself 🫶
Realizing that I don’t truly love myself made me raise the question: What does it look like to live a life where I do love myself?
Since self-love is a new concept I’m only just starting to learn, I can only speak from my own perspective of what this means for me right now.
In the context of my professional life, it means being aware of negative self-talk and not letting that dark side get a hold of me. It means believing that I already have what it takes, that I’ll figure it out no matter what, and that I deserve to win.
Most importantly, it means having compassion for myself when I make mistakes or when something doesn’t work, and move on without beating myself up over it.
As founders, we are so hard on ourselves, but we don’t need to be. We’re just human.
The biggest lesson I learned through all of this is:
Self-love is the key to unlocking the potential you already have.
Reflections 🪞
There’s a lot to unpack around the topic of self-love. It's a tough nut to crack and entire industries and professions are created around it.
My intention in sharing my epiphanies in this newsletter was to perhaps pique your interest to look inwards if you too, feel a bit stuck right now, or want to uplevel.
I didn’t know what I was getting into when I decided to invest in the Hoffman Process. I was so desperate for change without knowing what that change was. I didn’t realize how much I needed it until I was there. It is by far the most impactful thing I’ve ever done; the hard work lies in integrating awareness into new choices every day.
If you decide it’s also something you want to do, I hope it’ll be as beautiful a self-discovery and growth experience for you as it was for me.
Some stuff you might find interesting 👇
Thank you for reading!
— Melissa ✌️
Newsletters I follow (and think you should too) 🗞️
Chris Tottman: The Founders Corner - Bootstrapper friendly VCs sharing actionable advice and guidance at critical stages of growth.
Kyle Poyar: Growth Unhinged - In-depth case studies and deep dives on pricing & packaging, go-to-market strategy, SaaS metrics, and product-led growth.
Leah Tharin: ProducTea - Product-led B2B expert with 25 years of operator and executive experience, curating actionable advice for founders and CXOs who want to connect their product to revenue at scale.
Greg Head: PracticalFounders - Weekly interviews with founders who have built valuable software companies without big funding.
Enjoyed reading this? Help spread the love 💜
If you enjoyed this piece and found it valuable, please consider sharing it with friends who you think would also benefit from this column. They can also sign up at melissakwan.com.
The only way this grows is by word of mouth, so I’d really appreciate all the help you’re willing to give. 🙏
All of this is so so important ❤️
but sometimes I wonder how our nature of being constantly ON and needing to be productive toxicfy our sense of unworthiness.
My wife and I are doing a similar thing, a 10 day completely silent vipassana meditation retreat in southern Thailand to reset our nervous system of being always on.
Great article btw ❤️
"How can we be the best version of ourselves for everyone else and our startup if we’re constantly telling ourselves that we can’t do this, and that we’re not deserving of success?" It's the ultimate set-up for self-sabotage, isn't it!?
Such an important message, Melissa. Thank you for sharing.