How I stopped feeling so behind
Are you measuring yourself against an ideal that doesn't exist?
Hi, it’s Melissa, and welcome (back) to “your founder next door”, a weekly publication with stories and tidbits of my human journey bootstrapping eWebinar to $5m ARR. No BS, just straight-up truth bombs on what it’s like to build a company without an abundance of resources or friends in high places.
Let me start by getting this out of the way: I compare myself to other people.
There, I said it.
It’s the thing that everyone says they don’t do, but probably secretly does, if even a little bit.
Ten years ago, a founder friend who was years ahead of me told me he had $3m in the bank. I had just started a new company, pre-product market fit, but that didn’t stop me from wishing I was where he was.
Over the last 15 years, I’ve intentionally surrounded myself with incredible founders who I can turn to with any problems. This community has been my biggest asset as we are not meant to do this alone.
I’ve had a front row seat watching founders around me exit for 20, 40, even 200 million dollars. People younger than me, with simpler ideas that I wish I had come up with. Don’t get me wrong, I’m genuinely happy for them. I just wanted what they have too, yesterday.
I love celebrating success because it reminds me that success is possible and within reach. There’s nothing like watching hard work pay off for people who deserve to win. But I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself for all the “bad” decisions I’ve potentially made, for the progress I didn’t have, for how far behind I was.
Comparison might drive you at first. Maybe it’s even what lit your fire. But it’s an exhausting, never ending race because there’s always someone ahead of you.
I spent years in this vicious cycle until I stumbled on something that helped put things into perspective. In the book, 10x Is Easier Than 2x by Dan Sullivan, I learned about the concept of “the gap” versus “the gain.”
I finally understood why I’ve been constantly frustrated with where I’m not. All this time, I’ve been living in the gap.
What’s that?
In the gap, you measure yourself against an ideal of where you want to be instead of where you are. The gap is where you think you could be, where you believe you should be.
The gap is the deal you didn’t close, the opportunity you missed, the trend you didn’t spot. It’s the millions you didn’t raise. The 50% your startup didn’t grow.
The gap is everything you didn’t accomplish when comparing yourself to everyone else who seems to be moving faster. (Social media gloating has made this impossible to ignore.) It’s the stories you read about the 1% of the 1%, reminding you that you’re not one of them.
The gap is where we live because we trick ourselves into believing that it’s the fuel to our fire.
But, the gap is the toxic mental space that devalues the effort we put in every day. It’s the exhaustion that comes from never feeling good enough.
On the other hand, the gain is when you measure yourself against your own progress. It’s where you are now compared to where you were yesterday, a week ago, or a month ago.
The gain is the deal you did close, the opportunity you captured, the trend you’re in. It’s the money you raised, the 30% your startup did grow.
The gain is how far you’ve taken your company from nothing. It’s how much you’ve grown as a person. It’s the life you’re living now, the exact one you wish you had 10 years ago when you left your job.
The gain is the real fuel to our fire. 🔥 It’s the foundation on which gratitude and happiness are built.
The gain is our truth because it is our journey and no one else’s.
I haven’t mastered this. It’s a work in progress. But I’m learning to stop measuring my start with someone else’s middle, and my middle with their end. I’m learning to see how far I’ve come instead of wishing I was further along.
The gap is exhausting because you’re racing against ghosts.
The gain is where freedom lies because you’re finally running your own race.
I once heard a quote that stuck with me: “The only time you look in your neighbor’s bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don’t look in your neighbor’s bowl to see if you have as much as them.” – Louis C.K.
Till next time,
— Melissa, your founder next door ✌️
What did you think of this article? Let me know!
👋 If you enjoyed this read, would you please consider restacking it and sharing it with your audience?
This spreads the word and keeps me writing content that will inspire founders to keep doing what they’re doing, knowing they’re not alone.
Thank you 💜 The only way this grows is by word of mouth, so I’d really appreciate all the help you’re willing to give.
If there’s anything specific you want me to write about, hit reply and let me know. I read every message.